BY JESSIE WANG, LEAD WRITER (COMMUNITY AND SOCIAL AWARENESS)
Sydney musician and charity worker Jessie Wang is a mental health advocate and studies psychology at the University of Sydney.
We all know a career in the music sector is challenging. We worry about budgets and income. We adopt perfectionistic tendencies. We experience concert stress. And these are just some of the things that make us vulnerable to mental ill health.
Yet, mental health is still a topic to which judgement and shame are commonly attached. Many musicians feel the need to hide mental ill health, and pretend everything is all okay as they take to the stage or spend another day in the studio.
That’s why, in this series, we want to share artists’ real journeys with mental ill health. We hope these stories will start more conversations about mental health, and that people in the music sector will support each other through these very common yet heavily stigmatised experiences.
In this interview in our series Mental Health Sounds Like…we chat with tenor, writer and editor Daniel Todd.
About Daniel
Australian opera singer Daniel Todd (Chinese: 鄭時雄 Zhèng Shíxióng) was born in Malaysia and grew up in Melbourne. He obtained a Bachelor of Laws and a Bachelor of Music with first-class honours from the University of Melbourne. Daniel was accepted into Victorian Opera’s Developing Artist Program in 2011, and later joined the VO and the University of Melbourne’s collaborative Master of Music (Opera Performance).
After graduating, Daniel moved to Germany to join the Hamburg Staatsoper’s International Opera Studio, performing as a house soloist. He has performed at concerts and festivals the world over, and has been involved in the delivery of a number of education programs with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra, Hamburg Staatsoper, Victorian Opera, and the Explore Music 英乐迪恩 training centre in China.
Just so you know: This story features in-depth discussion surrounding the topics of mental health and anxiety.
Articles in this series do not offer formal mental health advice. Please contact your GP, visit headspace, or call Lifeline on 131114 for urgent or tailored support.
This interview has been edited for clarity and length.
Hi Daniel, thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. Tell us a little about your journey with mental ill health.
For a lot of musicians and artists, the line can be very blurry between who we are and what we do.
Our sense of self-worth is often closely linked to our perceived successes and failures – even on the level of day-to-day practice. If we perform well, we feel fantastic. If we perform poorly, we feel worthless. ‘You’re only as good as your last gig’– so the saying goes. This is perhaps some of the most anxiety-inducing advice an artist can receive!
I have certainly put enormous pressure on myself over the years. I always strove with that iron-willed tenacity that artists required to turn their passion into their profession. When we pour so much energy into an artistic craft – risking financial security and stability in the process – perhaps it’s unsurprising that we conflate our sense of self-worth with performance outcomes.
Things came to a head in May 2014, when I got glandular fever. […] I had just returned from an audition trip to Germany, where I had staked my life savings on getting a job there. Fortunately, I won a position at Hamburg Staatsoper – a big repertoire house. It was a dream job. I just had to get my health right before my contract started in August of that year.
After the fever subsided, I suffered post-viral syndrome that presented as chronic fatigue. […] Previously, my mental health had relied primarily on achievement and success as the basis of my self-esteem. All that was taken away. I was essentially bedridden, with no income, no energy and the career opportunity of a lifetime hanging in the balance. My brain felt like it was in freefall.
Tell us about your journey to recovery or management of the symptoms you have felt.
Without this illness, I could never have seen the inner part of me that felt perpetually not good enough, that lived in constant fear of being found out as an imposter, that needed to perpetually prove to myself that I was ok by achieving things. Stopping to listen to that part of myself led me on a path to healing and self-love.
It took the silence of my sickbed for me to hear my own pain. My illness gave me the space to acknowledge this and begin to treat myself with compassion and care.
Part of this journey was understanding that music is a job. As performers, we are lucky to do a job that is also our passion, but ultimately it is work. Conventional wisdom says ‘Choose a job you love, and you will never work a day in your life’. Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to having very poor boundaries. Having a rich life outside of music was essential for me in decoupling my self-esteem from performance outcomes. It has provided a balance and calmness I had previously lacked.
What have you found to be the most positive support networks or systems offered to you?
When my energy levels were so low that I was incapable of shopping for groceries or cooking my own meals, let alone singing practice, I was upheld by both my partner and my mum. They supported me financially and as carers, allowing me to simply rest and recover. Even though I had no money and was achieving nothing, they loved me and took care of me.
For the part of me that constantly felt not-good-enough, this was an extraordinary thing to witness and comprehend.
With this help, I was eventually able to take up the position in Hamburg. My partner moved to Germany as well, supporting me so that I could fulfil my dream. As my health recovered, I was able to do the same for her on subsequent adventures around the world.
What’s a misconception about mental health that you would like to destigmatise?
Artists are often under a lot of pressure, particularly due to the job insecurity of our largely freelance industry. It is not uncommon for a successful mid-career freelance musician to face housing and food insecurity. Student debt casts a long shadow as we pursue our dreams. Artists must often look on while their non-artist friends get married, buy houses and have children, long before artists themselves feel they are in a position to be able to do this.
What can the music industry do to support those experiencing mental ill health?
Companies and institutions must not turn a blind eye to bullying and harassment, simply because someone has ‘star power’.
For artists and musicians, there is little that alleviates anxiety more than having job security in their chosen field. The more Australian companies can offer stable income – or at the very least, longer term contracts – the better for artists’ mental health.
As a musician who has experienced mental ill health, what message would you like to share with other musicians who have experienced or may be experiencing this in their lives?
Our job is unusual, and frequently exposes our egos and hidden vulnerabilities. It is important that we take the time to understand the stresses we are under and to take care of ourselves accordingly. We all suffer from blind spots that we are oblivious to.
Organisations like the Arts Wellbeing Collective and The Performer’s Edge offer invaluable services for managing the emotional roller-coaster that a life in the arts can be. I have gained a lot from seeking out these services.
Lastly, I think the most important thing is to be kind to ourselves and to each other. This involves taking the time to compassionately understand our own pain and then choose not to pass that pain on to others. It involves taking care in what we bring to the world.
In 2021, Daniel Todd will perform in the Victorian Opera production Voss, and in the National Opera production La Rondine. He is tenor and writer-in-residence with the Forest Collective.
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Daniel captured by Leesa Needham.
