BY DEBORAH HART
Deborah Hart is an orchestral musician and qualified Acceptance and Commitment Therapy practitioner, who uses her knowledge to help musicians experiencing performance anxiety. These original cartoons from Deborah, each hand-drawn, capture those moments of insecurity we often feel in our live music experiences.
I drew these pictures to illustrate my experiences of performing in a three-week run of a professional show, a few years ago. I use the Passengers on the Bus metaphor to describe what happens in my mind during a performance.
Although I have been a professional horn player for more than three decades, I still become worried about every difficult passage – and the characters of ‘Perfectionism’, ‘Shame’, ‘Doubt’, and ‘Tiredness’ get on board my bus before, during, and after the show. I have found this metaphor helpful to manage the persistent thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, and urges that I notice during the performance.
I do not choose which of these passengers get on my performance bus, nor do I choose what they say to me or how they say it. I can, however, notice that they are there, label them, notice what they are saying and the tone they use. I can choose whether I engage with them or not, and I can choose, with practice, how to return my attention back onto the music and how I would like to play.
Do you notice when Perfectionism and Shame turn up?
Here, I am ‘noticing’ the passengers of Shame and Perfectionism. Perfectionism reminds me of all the mistakes I have made in previous performances, and reminds me to be scared because everyone is watching. Shame feels like an automatic physical response to not being Perfect; a cold wash of embarrassment.
Is Resistance to Perfectionism and Shame helpful?
This night, I deliberately welcomed Perfectionism and Shame, but there was another passenger that did not want to have them there – I was unwilling to notice and allow. I called that passenger Resistance – he was constantly saying ‘no, you can’t come on. I don’t like you’.
Look toward what you deeply care about
This performance, Perfectionism and Shame did not get on. I don’t know why. Instead, Joy got on and it felt good for a change to be a professional musician.
Notice when attachment to Compliments pulls your attention
It feels really good when people say nice things about the way you have performed, but being dragged away by the ‘compliments balloon’ during the performance does not help me perform my best. I am constantly thinking ‘Oooh, this is not as good as they all think it is’, or conversely ‘Yes, I am amazing, I am the best every horn player in the world’. It is not helpful to be attached to either.
Notice when Doubt and Tiredness arrive
I was really tired for this one. Tiredness says: ‘Can you do this? Can you keep it all together because this is really, really hard?’. Doubt joins in the Greek Chorus and sings the same song.
Cultivate a Kind Instructor
All of a sudden, after a few weeks of noticing the passengers, blogging about it, working really hard, I had this vision – I realised I needed someone to guide me. My mind invented the Instructor – a kind and patient guide to my monkey mind during a performance; a passenger who cares about be doing my best, who gently reminds me of what I care about and how I want to play.
