BY JESSIE WANG, LEAD WRITER (COMMUNITY AND SOCIAL AWARENESS)
Sydney-based musician and charity worker Jessie Wang is a mental health advocate and studies psychology at the University of Sydney.
Trigger warning: This story features in-depth discussion surrounding the topics of mental health, anxiety, and depression.
We all know a career in the music sector is challenging. We worry about budgets and income. We adopt perfectionistic tendencies. We experience concert stress. And these are just some of the things that make us vulnerable to mental ill health.
Yet, mental health is still a topic to which judgement and shame are commonly attached. Many musicians feel the need to hide mental ill health, and pretend everything is all okay as they take to the stage or spend another day in the studio.
That’s why, in this series, we want to share artists’ real journeys with mental ill health. We hope these stories will start more conversations about mental health, and that people in the music sector will support each other through these very common yet heavily stigmatised experiences.
In the first story of 2019 in our new series Mental Health Sounds Like…, we chat with Newcastle flautist Jennifer Hankin.
Jennifer Hankin is a flautist, composer, singer, photographer, artist, videographer, fashion designer, and all-round creative. She completed her AMusA in 2010. She then attended Newcastle University, and in 2015 completed a Bachelor of Music with Honours. During her time at uni, she received two scholarships – one for an outstanding university audition, and the other for highest third year performance mark.
Jen founded experimental folk band Vanishing Shapes alongside Timothy Merrikin, Jake Kennedy and Joshua Rea in 2012. With Vanishing Shapes, she has composed and independently released an EP, album, and has toured on the road. In 2015, she joined folk band The Button Collective, and they’ve together released two EPs and an album.
The musician launched The Emerald Ruby blog in 2014, using her skills in photography to capture her own fashion as well as live music and portraiture. As an artist, her original watercolour paintings have featured on albums for Bread and Seaweed, Niq Reefman, and Vanishing Shapes.
Through The Emerald Ruby, Jen writes about her own experiences as an artist, with topics ranging from auditioning to burnout, fears, and success.
Hi Jennifer. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. Tell us a little about your journey with mental ill health.
I’ve had a long and complex journey with mental health. I’ve been in and out of psychologists’ offices since the age of 8, and am still yet to reach any firm diagnosis about my mental conditions and how they affect my behaviour.
Growing up, I was always an anxious kid. My teen years saw me fall down the deep, dark depression hole. And more recently, in my mid-20s, I’ve started to notice recurring patterns, which I’m currently trying to find the root of with my psychologist.
How has your experience with mental ill health affected or been affected by your life in music?
Thankfully, my mental state rarely affects my professional performing or teaching. I’ve found both of these activities to require a certain level of mindfulness that can take me out of whatever state I’ve woken up in that morning.
This being said, anxiety loops and depressive episodes do make the administration side of music very difficult for me. When I’m experiencing a low period, checking an answering emails becomes very difficult, scheduling gigs becomes very difficult, and staying on top of my pile of invoices that need writing becomes very difficult.
Tell us about your journey to recovery or management of the symptoms you have felt.
I honestly don’t know if recovery is something I’ll ever reach. The nature of my mental state is very cyclical in both a long-term and short-term kind of way. I’m happier in the summer, very sad in the winter, and sprinkled within the seasonal cycles are the occasional down period.
In terms of managing my symptoms: research, awareness, and acceptance have been essential. In the past 18 months, I’ve read many self-help books, started watching educational videos on psychology, and have begun following real-life artistic people on Instagram who also struggle with similar mental states to me.
One of the major feelings accompanying my ill health is a feeling of shame and isolation. Actively engaging with people who share these traits makes me feel less alone and (more importantly) less broken, which I’ve found to lessen the power anxiety and depression have over me.
What have you found to be the most positive support networks or systems offered to you?
I’ve found strong communities to have the most positive impact. For me, this is my core circle of friends, the bands I play with, the Conspirito Community Flute Choir, and The Rhythm Hut. Being a part of these strong communities has grounded me, given me strength, and increased my motivation to be my best authentic self so I can give back.
What’s a misconception about mental ill health that you would like to destigmatise?
When you’re experiencing mental illness, it’s very easy to feel unworthy. Internally, you feel unworthy of support, unworthy of your job, unworthy of friendship, love, and support. I think sometimes this mindset is rooted in the idea that people with mental illness are harder to be around than ‘normal regular’ people.
This is a myth that I used to buy into, and have worked incredibly hard to overcome in the past year. Every person is different and complex, but those differences and complexities don’t make one human any harder to be around than any other human.
Everyone is worthy of love, support, and friendship; no matter how ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ they are.
What can the music industry do to support those experiencing mental ill health?
The industry needs to stop romanticising the struggling artist that works 24/7 like a robot to achieve their potential. I’ve felt this pressure throughout my entire life, mostly during high school and uni. I lived this ideal, beating myself up for not working every minute I was awake.
Musicians and industry professionals big and small need to instead spread the message that, if you’re going to be successful artistically, your work and life needs to be sustainable. If you’re caught in a work-tirelessly/burnout cycle, your work is not sustainable. If you feel like you’re drowning beneath a pile of deadlines and paperwork, your work is not sustainable. If you don’t have time to eat, or exercise, or have recreation outside of your career, your work is unsustainable.
Artistic success isn’t worth destroying yourself for. Equally, you don’t have to destroy yourself to reach artistic success.
Say thanks to our writer Jessie Wang for facilitating this conversation
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Disclaimer: This story should not be considered as formal mental health advice or support. Please contact your GP or visit headspace.
