BY JESSIE WANG, LEAD WRITER (COMMUNITY AND SOCIAL AWARENESS)
Sydney-based musician and charity worker Jessie Wang is a mental health advocate and studies psychology at the University of Sydney.
Trigger warning: This story features in-depth discussion surrounding the topics of mental health, anxiety, and depression.
We all know a career in the music sector is challenging. We worry about budgets and income. We adopt perfectionistic tendencies. We experience concert stress. And these are just some of the things that make us vulnerable to mental ill health.
Yet, mental health is still a topic to which judgement and shame are commonly attached. Many musicians feel the need to hide mental ill health, and pretend everything is all okay as they take to the stage or spend another day in the studio.
That’s why, in this series, we want to share artists’ real journeys with mental ill health. We hope these stories will start more conversations about mental health, and that people in the music sector will support each other through these very common yet heavily stigmatised experiences.
To launch our brave new series Mental health sounds like…, we chat with Sydney soprano and mental health advocate Yasmin Arkinstall.
About Yasmin
Soprano Yasmin Arkinstall has completed a Bachelor of Music (Performance) in classical voice at the Sydney Conservatorium of Music with straight distinction results in voice.
Having performed as a soloist since she was 8 years old, Yasmin sang the national anthem for former prime minister Julia Gillard at the 2013 Western Sydney Campaign Launch; and the 2013 Women in Banking Forum (Deutsche Bank) at the City Recital Hall in front of 500 of Australia’s leading business women.
Outside music, Yasmin has worked as an ambassador for The Smith Family, and was recently featured in an interview on Studio 10. An advocate for mental health, Yasmin has spoken at New South Wales schools about music, facing adversity, and nurturing mental health. She has been nominated for the 2019 Seven News Young Achiever Award in the NSW/ACT Community Services category.
Hi Yasmin, thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. Tell us a little about your journey with mental ill health.
I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child but this morphed into quite severe obsessive compulsive disorder when I was 11 years old, my intrusive thoughts plaguing my mind 24/7 every day.
OCD is a crippling neurobiological disorder where the sufferer is hit repeatedly throughout their day with intrusive thoughts that distress them. This distress makes them feel absolutely compelled to carry out compulsions to keep ‘something really bad from happening’ every time these thoughts arise. Obviously, with increased aversion to these thoughts over time, the more they intrude into the mind; and hence more ritualising is done.
I recall crying in class at school due to my OCD, not understanding what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t stop thinking about my obsessions. My struggle has predominantly been with sensorimotor OCD – a subset which focuses on different bodily functions and sensations. Because this form has been less researched in the realm of OCD, I was not properly diagnosed until April 2017 (11 years after onset) where I met Dr Rocco Crino from the SOCAD practice, who has helped me a lot with recovery. I have also struggled with depression, largely due to my OCD.
How has your experience with mental ill health affected or been affected by your life in music?
It has affected my musical life significantly over the years, though less so today as my symptoms are manageable. Throughout high school and my degree at the con, I would have extreme performance anxiety due to my OCD, fighting compulsions relating to my sensorimotor OCD beforehand and during performances.
It was particularly difficult because my compulsions were related to my bodily functions and sensations and, being a singer, I needed my body in its optimal state in order to perform well. The OCD would seduce me to [compulsion] and therefore self-sabotage in order to ‘keep me safe’, bringing about lots of tension around my throat and jaw prior to singing.
I also began developing rules like having to swallow between each phrase of music in order for my throat not to close up, a fear that was not logical but OCD is never logical. I would then come off stage depressed and disappointed by my singing, bashing myself up for getting ‘beaten’ by the OCD again and not being able to show my best self. Performing became a torturous ordeal and I considered quitting, thinking I was insane.
Tell us about your recovery or management of the symptoms you have felt.
The main recovery tools that have helped me are Exposure Response Prevention and Acceptance Commitment Therapy.
ERP involves exposing yourself in a gradated way to your core fears so that the brain becomes desensitised to them over time. This means that I’ve had to purposefully put myself in increasingly uncomfortable situations that would trigger my OCD in order for my anxiety around them to reduce over time. For example, fighting compulsions around performing has been a big ERP for me.
ACT has also been really great for me, which involves practising radical acceptance of uncomfortable feelings and sensations, allowing myself to feel them fully without resistance, and refocusing to things in my life that I value.
I also practice meditation and yoga, which are really good for reinforcing ACT, because a lot of uncomfortable feelings come up but the goal is always to refocus to the breath.
Self-compassion practice has been another big game changer for me, as I have always been very cruel and hard on myself for struggling with OCD. These days, my automatic reflex when I find myself in a tricky moment is to say, ‘I’m doing the best I can, I’ve come so far in my treatment and I got this!! Keep on keepin’ on, Yaso!’.
Public speaking about mental health with The Smith Family has also been a very helpful asset to my recovery, being an opportunity to face my OCD head-on whilst being supported by a kind and caring community. I also manage a new Instagram account for OCD education, as the disorder is so misrepresented by the media. On this page, I share the best quality OCD recovery tips and therapies I have come across, which helps my recovery through regularly revising my mental health toolkit.
What have you found to be the most supportive networks or systems offered to you?
My parents have been incredibly supportive of me throughout my mental health journey. None of us understood what was going on for a long time, but I’m very lucky that they have done everything they possibly can to help and listen to me when I’ve been struggling and needed someone to talk to.
I have a kind support network, some friends that I have met in real life and some on Instagram through my mental health account. We enjoy supporting each other through recovery as we do things that scare us!
Since my diagnosis, my therapist Dr Rocco Crino has also been a great help with guiding me through the crucial therapies (ERP, ACT, etc.) for treating my mental health issues; and through online resources, I have also done a lot of work on self compassion. The main online resources that have helped me are The OCD Stories iTunes podcast, and the anxiety and OCD programs with This Way Up, St Vincent Hospital’s mental health clinic.
I have also studied many books around OCD and mental health on my quest for recovery, such as The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, and Brain Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz. It’s been of utmost importance to me that I understand OCD, anxiety, and depression in order to recover as fully as I can and pursue my dreams.
To work on overcoming my performance anxiety, I have also extensively studied sports psychology/peak performance mindset with Amy Radford at The Mindful Performer; and recently I completed a Mental Health First Aid course with Shoalhaven Health and Arts, covering how to support and talk to someone in a crisis situation.
Yoga, meditation, exercise, listening to music, practising my singing at home, eating well, sleeping well, seeing friends and being out in nature are also things help me a lot. I try hard to maintain a healthy balance of these things and whilst no always easy, it can be very rewarding!
What’s a misconception about mental ill health that you would like to destigmatise?
This is a cliché, but mainly I’d like to destigmatise the negative assumptions people have of those suffering with mental issues. There are unfortunately still beliefs that people struggling mentally could be dangerous, insane, unintelligent, weak, attention-seeking, and/or manipulative. In fact, many people suffering with mental ill health are incredibly kind, compassionate, intelligent, strong, and very hopeful that someone can understand and empathise with what they are going through.
There is also the misconception that being vulnerable equates to weakness. I’m passionate about sharing the message that vulnerability is not a marker of shame, it is strength. And I consider my goals achieved if I can inspire more people in the community to speak out about their mental health as a way of seeking assistance.
What can the music industry do to support those experiencing mental ill health?
Unfortunately, it is still a common belief for some people in positions of power (e.g. teachers, directors, etc.) that ‘you have to be cruel to be kind’ in order to get the best out of musicians. The music industry needs to be taught that it’s very rare for someone to thrive in a fear-riddled or emotionally abusive environment; it’s natural for someone’s fight-or-flight response to switch on immediately and intensely, [blocking] the ability to relax and perform the best they can.
It’s very important that people in positions of power learn this, and practice a firmness tempered with kindness, respect, encouragement, and empathy; as musicians are generally very sensitive and more prone to mental ill health. It is not easy to learn an instrument, and musicians need to feel grounded in a safe, fun atmosphere that encourages them to channel a love of the instrument and music in general.
As for how musicians can support one another, it comes down to how the general population should work on supporting one another: learning more about mental health issues, starting a conversation, daring to show vulnerability, sharing any resources they may have, encouraging one another, and jamming together!
As a musician who has experienced mental ill health, what message would you like to share with other musicians who have experienced or may be experiencing this in their lives?
Another cliché from me, but you are not alone. I cannot stress this enough.
Since starting my mental health account on Instagram, I have been really surprised by the number of people contacting me with a shared experience of OCD, anxiety, depression, etc. And, as I said previously, musicians tend to be more likely to struggle with mental health issues due to heightened sensitivity (playing/singing is very personalised), ingrained notions of perfectionism, high-pressure performance situations, and trying to get paid work as a freelance muso. None of this is easy, and it would make complete sense if you are struggling mentally. I really recommend finding a therapist that you click with and confiding in family and or a friend or two about it. If you don’t want to call a helpline, online chat services (like those on beyondblue and SANE Australia) can also be really helpful when you’re in a funk. Furiously typing out your feelings to a trained professional can be really therapeutic!
If you are experiencing mental ill health, please contact your GP or visit headspace.
Images supplied.
The articles in this series should not be considered formal mental health advice.
